I just need to…[Some Graphic Content]

I can’t help but notice that there’s been a massive influx (everytime I say or hear the word influx, it reminds me of the Flux Capacitor…totally unrelated…but there it is) of women announcing their pregnancy with a due date in Feb/March of next year. Let me just say…I hate you all!

No, it’s nothing personal. Really. I think I just need to vent about it a little, as clearly, I’m not completely over it. Over what, you ask? My miscarriage.

We’d been trying for #2 for about 2 years now. It’s such a frustrating thing to go through: trying to conceive. It puts a strain on a marriage sometimes. Specially if you’ve been trying for months and months with no results. I hated getting all those symptoms of pregnancy that are synonymous with period symptoms. Because my hopes get raised, and I get excited and anxious. And then I get my period. WTF?!

So, imagine our excitement and elation when we found out that we’re pregnant with #2! Soooo excited!!! And soooooo elated!!!! I didn’t want to tell anyone until the 12 week mark. But what had happened was…I downloaded a bunch of pregnancy apps. And then I left my phone lying around. A notification popped up about how many weeks along I am, and my cousin saw it. So, I told my family. I mean, it was gonna spread anyways. Might as well hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, right? And it was great. We were so happy. Bubs was getting a little sibling! Yay!

But then on my first visit to the OB, we had our first ultrasound. They didn’t find a baby. I was only measuring 5w 4d. And I was supposed to be at 8w 2d. It was devastating. Specially when I was being offered a D&C right on the spot. We opted to wait for another week before deciding anything. And a couple days before my appointment, I started spotting. We went back to the doctor and not surprisingly, the results were still the same. But I decided to just wait and have a natural miscarriage. I didn’t want any invasive procedures to be done.

But 3 weeks later, I was still bleeding and still had no idea when I was going to pass the sac. So, I decided to go in for a D&C. I guess this scared my body, because the night before I was scheduled for my D&C, it started. It was the most awful thing in the world to go through. It was like I was in labor. I was having contractions and labor pains. And I had this feeling that I needed to push and it hurt and I just wanted it to go away. And finally, 30 minutes later, it did.

How did I feel?! I was devastated. Even though I’d known for 3 weeks that it was going to happen, I didn’t really fully accept it. Not until the baby that I could’ve had was sitting on the bottom of my toilet bowl. I mean, how the fuck are you supposed to feel after that?! I thought I was done crying. I thought I was ok with it. Apparently not.

So…I guess I just want to know…when the hell am I gonna “get over” it?!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *